


A Lifetime of Firsts

by Virago77 (PriPri)



Category: Torchwood
Genre: AU, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, COE Fix-it, Canonical Character Death(s), Firsts, Fluff, Freeform, M/M, handjobs, timetravel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 17:12:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4487940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PriPri/pseuds/Virago77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Jack was willing to let the world burn was when he realized that Ianto was the one.  For all his lifetimes past and future, Ianto Jones was his one.  The one he was meant to meet.  The one he was born to spend a lifetime with, the one who set his soul at ease.  The one he would set the universe ablaze to get back.  Because without Ianto, what use was the universe?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lifetime of Firsts

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Janto. It was written mostly on my phone during the great writer’s block of 2015, which merged with the great laptop debacle. This was supposed to be a quickie tumblr fic to help take my mind off the fact that my laptop was broken, and it was also meant as an exercise to help shake the writing funk I was in. It worked and the ficlet turned into something a little more. I greatly enjoyed writing this because I love the pairing and in the end, it did help me break free of my block. It’s not beta read and I proofed it myself, so forgive any mistakes you find.

* * *

            The first time Ianto realized he was attracted to Jack was inside a warehouse while attempting to capture a misplaced pterosaur.  There was something about the man that had lingered from the other times they had come face to face, and it seemed to erupt that night.  Catching him, rolling with him—being on top of him, pressed together... One look into those dazzling eyes and Ianto was lost for a moment.  He’d wanted to lean in and kiss those smiling lips.  And that’s when it hit him that he was physically attracted to a man.  Albeit an extraordinary man, but a man just the same.  But it wasn’t Jack being a man that had Ianto breaking down as soon as he was clear of the warehouse; although it truly made him question his heterosexuality.  It was the fact that he was doing all of it for Lisa, and he had just betrayed her.  In thought, but a betrayal just the same.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack and Ianto kissed was six months into his tenure as ‘butler’ for Torchwood, Cardiff.  There had been a particularly bad Weevil hunt.  The creature had killed a couple and was more rabid than any Weevil they remembered encountering in the past.  It took Jack a lot of bullets and eventually fire to stop the creature.  After clean-up and caring for the bodies of the victims, Jack sent the rest of the team home.  When he handed off his coat and clothes to Ianto for cleaning and mending, Ianto expressed his sorrow for what Jack had to do that evening.  Yes, Jack had killed and could kill without hesitation when the situation called for it, but he did try to steer away from killing when he could, even when it came to alien entities.  And he had taken the death of the couple particularly hard.  Ianto didn’t know for certain, but he thought, perhaps, they had reminded him of some one or thing from his past. 

            The look of surprise in Jack’s eyes at the sentiment caught Ianto off guard.  It was mostly just a job for the others with the added perks of being a secret organization with carte blanche.  Ianto didn’t believe any of the team realized what it meant to Jack when they failed to save beings, be they human or alien.  Sometimes they forgot that it was about more than just watching the rift and scavenging technology.  But Jack never forgot; neither had Ianto.  But of course he wouldn’t forget because Ianto had been at Canary Wharf, had seen the destruction and experienced loss on a much larger scale than the others.  He hadn’t hardened himself in order to cope with it, and for that Jack was in awe of him.  To some small degree, he was proud of the young Welshman.

            Jack caressed his cheek, “You’re a good man Ianto Jones.  You continue to surprise me, which is very difficult to do.”  Slowly, he leaned in and pressed a chaste, but lingering kiss to Ianto’s mouth.

            It shocked Ianto.  He didn’t move to deepen the kiss or to break it.  He felt his whole body sing the instant their lips touched.  Within seconds he was half hard in his trousers and it had only been lips pressed to lips!

            When they pulled away, Jack smiled at him wistfully, brushing a thumb against his cheek before releasing him and telling him to go home and get some rest.

            After that Jack’s flirtations came to a complete halt.  Jack didn’t strike Ianto as the fearful type, but something in their kiss must have frightened him.  Perhaps he had felt it too, the electricity, the pull.  Perhaps the idea that he could feel more than lust for the ‘tea boy’ unnerved him.  Or perhaps he didn’t like the idea of actually shagging an employee.  Flirting was one thing, but intimacy would change the dynamic between them—within the team.  Ianto had to assume that Jack loved his coffee a little too much to risk having to fire Ianto.  He was surprised to find himself momentarily sad because the sex would have been great.  Ianto didn’t know _how_ he knew, but it _absolutely_ would have been.  But that’s all it would have been, great sex.  It might have lasted for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but inevitably Jack would get bored and move on to his next conquest.  Things would become strained—awkward between them and then one morning Ianto would awake in his flat with no memory of the last year of his life.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Ianto knew he wanted Jack was when Gwen joined the team.  At first he wasn’t sure what he was feeling when the team returned to the hub from an outing with the glove and Jack was going on about the attractive, dark-haired PC who had been clever enough to spy on them.  Ianto tuned the conversation out when the word ‘recruitment’ was mentioned and he realized it was jealousy surging through him.  He went about making coffee for the team and tried not to feel resentment for this new person that had caught Jack’s eye.  Ianto tried to ignore that he cared when he knew he shouldn’t.  Then… Suzie was gone.  Gwen was hired and Jack was suddenly flirting with him again.  He despised the way Gwen and Jack looked at one another and Ianto wasn’t sure how much his emotions could take.  He was still in love with Lisa—wasn’t he—but he yearned for Jack’s attention, his affections.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Ianto kissed Jack was after Gwen’s disaster of a first few days.  So many people had died and Jack had taken the blame for himself.  He had hired her and on her very first day she had unleashed an alien that devoured people through their orgasms.  Sure she had made a mistake like everyone does, but her mistake had killed over a dozen people.  Jack could see her potential, but he was second guessing himself regarding her recruitment.

            After Carys had been reunited with her father and the paperwork was filed and the team had gone home, Jack stood overlooking the hub, silently berating himself.  Ianto moved to stand beside him, “It isn’t your fault, sir.  No one could have known this would happen.”

            “You wouldn’t have let this happen,” Jack said simply.  “I was so excited by her cleverness that I didn’t stop to think about anything else.  You should have been in the field, not her.”

            “Sir?”  Ianto was confused.

            “Technically you have more seniority than half the team.  You worked for Torchwood I, and you’ve been here long enough to know how this Torchwood operates.  I should have put you in the field long ago, but...”

            “But?” Ianto asked.

            Jack turned to him, “But I don’t like the idea of you in danger.”  They stared at each other for untold minutes before Jack finally looked away.  “I acted selfishly when I—”

            Jack was cut short when Ianto pulled him into a wildly passionate kiss.  He’s not sure what came over him.  Maybe it was the fact that Jack seemed to have hired Gwen out of a twisted need to keep Ianto safe rather than the fact that he wanted her.  Or maybe it was because it had been so long since anyone had cared for his wellbeing.  There was no definitive reason behind it, but in that moment Ianto _needed_ to kiss Jack.  So he had, and it had been extraordinary.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack realized he cared for Ianto was when he learned of his betrayal.  Yes, it was true that he had done it out of love and had truly meant no harm, but Ianto had lied to and betrayed Jack by smuggling and hiding a Cyberman in the basement of the hub.  The fact that he had kept something so monumental from him had hurt Jack deeply.  The fact that he wanted to save his former lover so fiercely had ignited a jealousy in Jack.  And the fact that Ianto had somehow wormed his way into Jack’s heart had enraged him.

            Gwen had been right; he never would have shot Ianto.  He would have thrown himself into harm’s way a thousand times over to protect the young Welshman—he had given of his life-force when he kissed Ianto back from the brink of death.  But he didn’t know if they would ever move past the betrayal.  Jack didn’t know if they would ever forgive one another.

 

            The first time Ianto knew he could hate Jack was when he unleashed Myfanwy on Lisa.  The man had weaved a spell around him causing him to betray Lisa with thoughts of him, all while she lay in the basement fighting for her life.  Jack had made Ianto feel things he never had before—not even with Lisa.  And then he showed himself for the merciless bastard he was.  In the end Ianto knew Jack had done the right thing.  It had been foolish to think he could save Lisa, especially after she had begun killing.  But at the time, in that moment, he loathed the man and wished on him the same torment Ianto felt.

 

* * *

 

            The first time that things first went from flirtation and the odd kiss, to physical intimacy was during Ianto’s suspension.  Jack had stopped by Ianto’s flat a few days after the catastrophe that was Cyber-Lisa.  They had an awful row and then a brief scuffle ending with Jack kissing Ianto.  But Ianto didn’t just fall into it like he had in the past.  Instead, he grabbed Jack by the hair and put him where _he_ wanted him.  They kissed brutally, biting at one another’s lips. 

            It was like Ianto had an out-of-body experience, because suddenly he was fumbling with Jack’s belt and unbuttoning his pants.  He slipped his hand inside, got his fingers around Jack’s cock and began stroking him enthusiastically.  It took Jack all of two seconds to get with the program and within minutes they were tugging each other into explosive orgasms.

            When they caught their breath and the adrenaline began to wear off, Ianto pushed Jack away from him and asked him to leave.  Jack complied without argument.  Four weeks later Ianto was back on the job.  He was able to accept that Jack had been right about Lisa, but things were still tense between them.  He was still hurting over Lisa.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack knew he loved Ianto was in Brecon Beacons.  Things had yet to settle between them, they avoided close proximity and eye contact whenever possible.  They hadn’t really spoken other than work-related topics.  He understood that Ianto had brought up Lisa to hurt them—to hurt him.  Lisa hadn’t been Ianto’s last kiss by a long shot, but that wasn’t the point.  To an outside observer, it would seem as though everyone had swept under the rug the fact that Ianto had nearly unleashed a Cyberman on the world.  They ignored the fact that Ianto had lost his lover a second time.

          Ianto was right to be bothered that no one cared about his feelings or wellbeing.  But it wasn’t that no one cared, it was that this team of people, for all that they _did_ care, they had no clue how to deal with emotions, not even Gwen, who was supposed to be the group’s link to their humanity.

            But more than that Ianto had said those things to injure Jack.  Jack had hurt him—he had killed Lisa.  He had made Ianto forget Lisa during their, albeit brief, liaisons, and it filled Ianto with guilt on Lisa’s behalf.

 

            The team went in separate directions, Gwen had been shot, and Jack had no idea where Tosh and Ianto were or if they were all right.  The not knowing drove him to distraction.  Yes he was concerned about Gwen, but he was more concerned that an emotionally compromised Ianto was roaming around the village with gods knew what prowling around out there.  After capturing and interrogating the villager, Jack’s main focus became finding his team—finding Ianto—and getting them to safety.

            When he found them, when Jack saw Ianto bound and bleeding, it was all he could do to stop himself from falling on his knees and enveloping the man in his arms.  Back at the hub, after everyone else had gone, Jack dragged Ianto into his embrace and thanked all deities that he had gotten to him in time.  He murmured apologies over and over in between gentle kisses.  Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack’s waist and allowed the older man to shower him with affection. 

            They forgave each other that night.  There was still a long road ahead for them, but they had started on the path.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack got his mouth on Ianto, _really_ got his mouth in him, was after Suzie had been resurrected and died again.  The whole ordeal had been difficult for Jack more so than the rest of the team.  He was responsible for recruiting everyone save Ianto and their outcomes weighed heavily on Jack, whether they went rogue and had to be taken out, died in the line of duty, or had to be retconned.  Suzie’s obsession should have been obvious to Jack.  If it had been, he could have stopped her killing spree before it began.  The whole ordeal had shaken Jack to his core, but it was obvious to only Ianto…the one he _hadn’t_ recruited.  Jack was beginning to wonder if he was a terrible judge of character.  All thoughts of that fell to the wayside when Ianto mentioned his stopwatch. 

 

            Ianto couldn’t bear to see Jack in such despair.  He brought up the stopwatch and all the things they could do with it, and it was like a switch had gone on inside the man.  When they were alone Jack taught him how to play naked hide and seek, a game at which he was ninety-five percent sure Jack cheated.

            And then Jack had Ianto a naked and at his mercy.  They had a contest to see how long it took Jack to get Ianto hard using only his mouth above the waist.  Not long at all as it turned out.  And then Jack bet that he could make Ianto come with just his mouth in under five minutes.  The thing between them had been building for months, so three minutes and forty-two seconds was all it took.

            Jack licked his cock from root to tip, got it nice and wet, and then swallowed him down like someone out of a pornographic film.  He sucked up and down the shaft and did something with his tongue that made Ianto writhe and squeak.  In all honesty, it was surprising to both men that he lasted as long as he did.

            When Ianto came back to himself, Jack spent the next several hours mapping his body with his tongue…and teeth.  Later, Jack sat back on his hunches and admired his handiwork with a smug smile.  Ianto was covered in love bites and tiny bruises.  The younger man was sprawled on his stomach, snoring lightly, completely knackered.  Jack ran a finger over his bruised buttock; he could still taste him on his tongue and bit his bottom lip in an effort to stay his raging libido.  He had taught Ianto a lot in the last few hours, but there was still so much to teach, so much to explore.  It was just the beginning for them and Jack looked forward to many nights like this.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Ianto knew he was in love with Jack, was when he died.  They had killed Jack, and then he had come back and sacrificed himself to Abaddon in order to fix their mistake.  And then he died.  Jack died.  He died, and he _didn't_ come back.

            Gwen had taken Ianto’s rightful place at Jack’s side, because the others didn’t know about them, and he was too much of a coward to tell them.  Not that they would have had reason to believe him.

            So, with his tail tucked between his legs, Ianto went to the only other place he _could_ be close to Jack, his office.  He looked around, taking everything in, trying to feel Jack, breathing him in.  Ianto saw the great coat and was immediately drawn to it.  He loved the coat, but mostly he loved Jack _in_ the coat.  He hugged it to himself, pressed his nose into the wool and breathed in Jack’s scent.  It reeked of him and while it was comforting, it was also heart wrenching.  Ianto was moved to tears by the knowledge that this was the last time he’d get to do this.

            After his private breakdown, Ianto avoided Jack’s office because he didn’t want to think about packing it up and placing all that was left of Jack into storage.  He didn’t want to acknowledge that at some point, someone else would occupy the space and in doing so, wipe away all traces of Jack.

            And then Toshiko was racing across the hub into...Jack’s arms?  Jack!  Elated, Ianto rushed to him, but upon reaching him, Ianto was at a loss.  He wanted to kiss him, but the others were there and he _had_ just helped them to kill Jack; Jack was bound to be bothered by that.  He reached awkwardly for a handshake, but Jack pulled him into a hug and Ianto just melted.  It was forgiveness.  And then Jack was kissing him and Ianto’s heart soared.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack broke Ianto’s heart was when he left without a word. 

            At first, from the disarray of the hub and the strangeness of his disappearance, the team thought Jack had been taken.  It didn’t take long for them to find CCTV footage of Jack racing across the Plass and jumping onto a blue police box that seemingly vanished into thin air.

            After a little research, they discovered that Jack’s doctor was _The_ Doctor.  Jack had left to be with Torchwood Enemy Number One.  He had left Ianto behind.  Fuck the others; Jack had left _him_ behind.  There was no good-bye, no explanation, no way of knowing if he would ever return.  Ianto liked to believe that he would come back; even if it wasn’t to stay, Jack would come back.  And then days turned into weeks, turned into months, and Ianto stopped believing.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack made love to Ianto was after his return to Cardiff.

            Jack strolled in with a smirk and a quip and had expected a slightly warmer reunion than he received.  The Doctor was _the worst_ at getting people exactly where and when they needed to be.  Jack was four months late and it was evident that his team was none too pleased with him.

            Jack didn’t know why he threw in the “all of you” remark, because truth be told, it was only Ianto that he had come back for.  The hope of seeing him again was what kept Jack (somewhat) sane during a year of torture at the hands of the Master.  The comment had been cowardly, and he needed to rectify it at some point soon.  He _had_ missed them all, but Ianto was end-game.

            When they were finally rid of John Hart, Jack treated the team to suites at the best hotel in the city.  They needed someplace to lay low and avoid themselves until they got back to the right point in time; the least he could do was splurge on room service and a trip to the spa.

            Jack was surprised when he found Ianto at his door asking to come inside.  “Of course.  Come in, Ianto.”  Jack stepped back and allowed Ianto to enter.  They moved inside the room and stood awkwardly for several moments before Ianto broke the silence.

            “Am I your consolation?  Was it really Gwen you came back for?”

            “What?  Ianto, where is this coming from?”

            “I watched you on the internal CCTV.  You didn’t look very happy to learn about her engagement.”

            “That’s true, but it’s because I know it will make the lies harder for her, which will make the job tougher.  I care for Gwen, and there is an...attraction, but I don’t wish I was in Rhys’ place.  And I don’t envy them the lies.  Ianto, I meant it when I said I came back for you.”

            “I thought you came back for all of us.”

            “The others are just a bonus; I came back for you.”

            And then Ianto was kissing him.  Jack went with it.  They moved to the bed kissing and sucking at one another’s mouths, pulling at each other’s clothes.  For the first time since they had begun doing this, Ianto allowed his clothes to fall into a pile on the floor with Jack’s rather than folding and hanging them neatly.

            Naked and writhing beneath Jack, Ianto begged, “Please, Jack, I want to feel you inside of me.”

            Jack let out a shuddering gasp.  In all of their escapades, penetration had never been broached.  The most Jack had done was to brush his fingers over the cleft of Ianto’s ass and rub himself off in the crease of his thigh.  He hadn’t even put his tongue there.  _And oh how Jack had wanted to put his tongue there!_

            He hadn’t pushed the issue because Jack knew that he was the first male Ianto had been with and he didn’t want to frighten or rush him into something he was not ready for.  Anything more than kissing and touching, Jack let Ianto set the pace, let him initiate what he wanted.  And true to form, Ianto was going after what he wanted.

            Jack took his time, slicking up his fingers and rubbing them against Ianto’s pucker until he was rocking against his hand.  The first finger slid in easily; Ianto was drunk with desire.  The young man groaned and pushed back against the intrusion, which sucked Jack’s finger deep inside.  Jack was getting off on watching Ianto fuck himself onto his finger.  He pumped slowly, watching Ianto’s face for any discomfort.  There was none and very quickly Ianto was begging for, “ _More!_ ”

            Jack eased his finger out and then gently pushed back with two.  There was slightly more resistance this time but he still slipped inside pretty easily.  Jack continued watching him, thrusting his fingers slowly, scissoring them, murmuring encouragement, “So good Ianto.  You take my fingers so beautifully.”

            When Jack felt he was as slick and relaxed as he was likely to get, he pulled his fingers out, earning a disappointed groan from his lover.  He rolled Ianto onto his side.  On his stomach would have been the best position, but Jack wanted to see Ianto’s face.  Ianto wasn’t ready to be taken face-to-face, so Jack split the difference.  On his side would be comfortable for Ianto and allow Jack to see his beautiful face as he entered him for the first time.

            And it was _beautiful_!  All of the clichés applied.  When Jack got inside him, it was like finding religion, a choir of angels began singing, he saw stars, it was everything Jack had ever hoped for and more.

Ianto’s fingers clutched at Jack’s thigh, his mouth was open and his eyes squeezed shut in a combination of delicious pain and sweet, sweet pleasure.  “Oh my God, Jack!”

            “I’ve got you Ianto, just let go.”

            Ianto’s body was twisted, his right shoulder was pressed into the mattress and his face was tilted up, giving Jack access to his mouth, which he devoured in a hungry kiss.  Ianto cried out when Jack moved for the first time.  He had pulled back slightly, and pressed back in gently.  “Oh, yessss!” Ianto hissed.

            Jack moved again, and then again, and when he was sure that there was no pain or discomfort for Ianto, he angled his hips and began thrusting a little faster, pulling out a little farther, pushing in a little harder.  Ianto’s right hand gripped the sheets, while the other held on to Jack.  He opened his eyes and looked up into Jack’s intense stare.  Jack slowed a little overwhelmed by emotion, “Okay?”

            “God yes!  Jack I…”

            “I’ve got you Ianto,” Jack murmured, he kissed him gently and then angled his hips again and found—

            “Ohhh!”  Ianto grunted.

            Jack hit his prostate dead on and it was too much for Ianto.  His eyes slammed shut and all he could do was hold on and moan Jack’s name.  “ _JackJackJack!_ ”

            Ianto chanted his name like a prayer and hearing it nearly drove Jack to the brink.  He reached for Ianto’s weeping cock and began stroking in time with his thrusts.  Jack had wanted this so badly for so long and he was on the verge of losing himself completely.  His head was spinning with the scent of Ianto surrounding him and the sight of Ianto with pure ecstasy on his face, his long cock swollen and oozing precome.  It was a near thing, but Jack held off long enough to make sure Ianto came shooting between them first.  A few more thrusts and he was pulling out with a deep groan, pushing Ianto onto his back and coming all over stomach, mixing their releases together.

 

            Later, after Jack had wiped them both clean, Ianto laid against his chest, “I always believed you’d return.”

            “I’m sorry I was so late.  For a time traveller, the Doctor is very bad at getting times right.”

            “Why did you go?  Why didn’t you say anything about leaving?”

            “I am sorry about that.  He doesn’t come through here very often and I _had_ to catch him before he took off.  I… I needed to find out about me.”

            “Where did you go, what did you do?”

            Jack’s initial thought was to brush the comment off, but something inside himself wouldn’t allow it.  Ianto deserved to know.  So Jack explained, in painful detail exactly what he—and the world—had suffered during the year that never was.  Ianto cried tears of sorrow for all of the horrors Jack experienced and the hands of the Master _and_ the Doctor.  He thanked Jack for coming back to them, for coming back to him.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Ianto let his insecurities get the best of him was at Gwen’s wedding.  Ianto knew whatever chemistry there was between Jack and Gwen would never come to anything.  Jack wasn’t a complete heel; he wouldn’t do anything to break up a relationship.  More importantly, while he had never said the words, Ianto knew Jack loved him.  And if it wasn’t love, he at least felt more strongly for him that he did for Gwen.  Jack proved it every day with his actions.  But just this once, watching them arm-in-arm, the look of want?  Adoration?  Regret?  Whatever the look on Gwen’s face as Jack danced with her, it pushed all Ianto’s buttons—all the wrong ones.  He wanted to rage and scream and call her out on being unfaithful to her new husband if only in thought (although she had done it in deed with Owen), but Ianto was a better man than that.

            Well… Only slightly better.  He couldn’t take the way they looked together, almost perfect—he didn’t know how Rhys could stand it.  So Ianto moved away from the DJ table and marched over to the dancing couple.  It took multiple tries to pull them from whatever reverie they were lost in and Ianto forced himself not to read too much into it.  Once he got them to separate, he completely bypassed Gwen and went for Jack.

            When he was in Jack’s arms, dancing so close, he felt content.  And for those brief moments, Ianto felt like the most important thing in Captain Jack Harkness’ world.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack felt truly unworthy of Ianto’s devotion was following Tosh and Owen’s deaths.  They were all hurting, he, Gwen and Ianto.  It truly felt like they had lost part of themselves.  Jack felt worse of all because it was his mistakes that had led to their deaths and those of countless innocents in Cardiff.  He had let go of Gray’s hand all those long years ago.  That one small action led to the destruction of half a city, and so much unnecessary death. 

            Jack had half expected Gwen to give her notice and for Ianto to look at him with disgust in his eyes.  But that wasn’t the case.  With watery, bloodshot eyes, they cleaned up the hub and laid Tosh and Owen to rest both literally and figuratively.

            After watching Tosh’s message, the trio cried in each other’s arms, and then Gwen dragged herself home to seek comfort in her husband.  Jack expected to be left alone in the hub with his demons, but Ianto took him by the hand and pulled him toward the exit.  “Where are you taking me Ianto?” Jack asked softly, not fighting because there was no fight left in him.

            “Home, to get pissed and grieve properly.  And in the morning, we’ll set aside our grief long enough to being putting the city back to rights.”

            Jack laced his fingers through Ianto’s and followed him through the cog door.

            At Ianto’s flat they opened a bottle of scotch and drank to the memories of their fallen friends as well as the memory of who Gray had once been.  And then Ianto stripped them both down, tucked them into bed and held Jack close to him, all the while comforting him.  Ianto promised Jack that none of it had been his fault; that he would be there to help him get through it.

            There was no hesitation or lie in Ianto’s words, Jack could tell.  He was sincere; he didn’t fault Jack for the disaster his brother’s hatred had caused and he still cared for Jack no matter what had happened in his past.

            And as he drifted into unconsciousness, Jack felt true despair at the thought that he had ruined this beautiful man.  He should never have allowed him into Torchwood III.  Perhaps if Jack had refused he would have had no choice but to give up his quest to cure Lisa.  He could have gotten a normal job, moved past his grief and fallen in love with someone good, someone who could actually say the words, _“I love you,”_ to his face instead of waiting until he was deep in sleep to confess those feelings.  Worst of all, Jack felt true fear at the knowledge that his time with Ianto was limited.  One day, whether it be during their tenure at Torchwood, or when he was old and gray, Jack would have to watch Ianto die.  He was fairly certain that the beautiful Welshman would take whatever bit of soul Jack possessed with him when he left this world.

            He knew Ianto could do better and deserved a better partner than Jack, but he was too selfish to give him up.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack fought to hold on to the darkness was when he knew he wouldn’t be waking up in Ianto’s arms.  He had watched his young lover die in his arms after confessing love and begging to be remembered.  Jack had been too much of a bastard to tell him what he needed to hear.  Sure it was evident in his actions—mostly—but Jack had never said the words to him.  Dying because of yet another of Jack’s mistakes, Ianto deserved at least that much and Jack hadn’t given it to him.

            He didn’t want to come back to a world without Ianto.  He didn’t want to remember how he had taken the young man for granted, how he hadn’t deserved Ianto, but had held on to him anyway.  He didn’t want to remember the good times either, the brilliant smiles and boisterous laughter.  And Jack certainly didn’t care about the fate of the world. 

            Jack tried to stay there, tried to find Ianto in the darkness; all the while hoping he never did.  If anyone deserved white light and clouds it was the beautiful, blue-eyed Welshman.  When he felt the darkness slipping, giving way to light and consciousness, Jack knew he would never truly live again.  He had nothing left to live for.

 

* * *

 

            The first time Jack was willing to let the world burn was when he realized that Ianto was the one.  For all his lifetimes past and future, Ianto Jones was his _one_.  The one he was meant to meet.  The one he was born to spend a lifetime with, the one who set his soul at ease.  The one he would set the universe ablaze to get back.  Because without Ianto, what use was the universe?

            Jack, of course, knew that he would outlive Ianto; that he would have to survive an eternity off the memories they made together.  But there hadn’t been enough.  Jack’s time with Ianto had been so short it was like the blink of an eye.  He would need decades with Ianto in order to create the kinds of memories that would sustain him until the end of time.

            As a man who couldn’t die, Jack Harkness had nothing to lose, but without Ianto, he had nothing to fight for.

            Maybe it was selfish, but considering what he’d been through, and all that he had sacrificed, Jack Harkness was due a bit of selfishness.  Jack left earth and went on a tear across the universe.  To get what he needed, he begged, extorted, stole, fucked, and killed, leaving broken hearts and bodies, blood and destruction in his wake, defying anyone to try and stop him.  No one dared.  No one could.

            It took several years, but what were a few years to a man who had eternity?  More than one would think, because he had spent those years without Ianto.  Jack missed Ianto with every breath he took, and the only thing that kept him going was the possibility of fixing it all; of changing the past, of getting Ianto back.

            When his tasks were completed, Jack returned to earth with a vortex manipulator that was in perfect working order.  Actually it was beyond perfect.  With the modifications made to it, his VP worked better than it was ever meant to.  And it was shielded so that if he ran into the Doctor, the Timelord wouldn’t be able to alter its functions with his trusty, but annoying sonic screwdriver.

            Jack made sure to return one week before the first incident with the children.  Paradoxes be damned, Jack sent a detailed message to his past self’s VP with instructions on what was coming, how to fix his VP better than new, how to stop the coming storm, and most importantly, how to save Ianto.

            “…Because he’s the key to your survival.  He’s the key to your sanity.  If you lose him now, you will lose yourself.  You will do unspeakable things... You will become a monster.

            “You know how you feel about him.  Don’t be afraid of it; embrace it.  And for his sake as well as your own, tell him.  He needs to hear it, and you need to say it.

            “I have done unconscionable things to get this information to you.  Please trust it, or we’ll be stuck in this loop of death and destruction for eternity.  You are important to the universe, which means Ianto is important to the universe, because he’s important to you.  You can’t be meant to lose him yet.  I don’t know if there’s a way to have him forever, or if either of you would even want that.  But one full lifetime would be enough to sustain us both.  Do this and we’ll have a chance at that.”

            Jack didn’t need to think about what he should do; if he couldn’t trust himself, what was the point of anything?  And just thinking about watching Ianto die in his arms brought him to tears.

            “Jack?  Are you well?”  Ianto asked as he entered Jack’s office with Chinese takeaway.  They were spending a rare quiet night in the hub.  No rift alarms and no Gwen cock-blocking them.  They had planned to have dinner, maybe watch a film, definitely play a round of naked hide and seek...

            When Jack caught sight of him, he quickly rose from his chair and barely gave the young Welshman enough time to set the containers on the desk before enveloping him in a crushing hug.  Ianto grunted from the surprise and the sheer force of Jack’s embrace.  “Is something the matter, Jack?”

            “Not yet.  There’s time to fix it still.  But first,” Jack pulled Ianto into an all-encompassing kiss.  It was a kiss worthy of legend.  Jack conveyed all of his love and affection, lust and desire, hopes and dreams into the kiss and it left both men dizzy and panting.

            “What the…”

            “I know, right?” Jack laughed breathlessly.  “I impressed even myself with that,” he smiled smugly, still panting slightly.  “Now I know this is going to sound strange, but I need you to just trust me without question.  Can you do that for me?  I promise that while it won’t make sense—”

            “—Of course, Jack, I trust you with my life.”

            “That’s what I’m hoping,” Jack said ominously.

            “Jack?”

            “I have some things to say to you before I explain.”

            “What is it, Jack?”

            “I love you.”

            “I... Jack—”

            “Just let me finish.”  Ianto nodded his assent and Jack continued, “I’m pretty sure I’ve loved you since the moment you walked into my life, which is probably why I was so adamant about _not_ hiring you at first; it’s why I never wanted you in the field.  Somehow I knew that you would come to mean...everything to me.

            “Ianto, you are the one.  For every lifetime that I have lived or will ever live, I will never love anyone the way that I love you.  No one has ever meant to me what you mean, and no one ever will.  I would burn worlds for you.  I will love you until the end of time.  And whether you believe me or think I’ve lost my mind, I need you to hear it.  I am _so_ in love with you Ianto Jones, so much that it hurts to be away from you.  I can’t die, but without you, I’ll never live again.”

            Ianto just stared at Jack as tears rolled down his cheeks.  It was like nothing he had ever dreamed.  He wanted to believe—he _had_ believed that Jack cared for him as more than a part time shag, but this...  His heart was stuck in his throat and the only thing he could manage was to pull Jack into another wildly passionate kiss.  “I believe you,” he murmured against Jack’s lips.  “I love you more than words can say.”

Jack nearly choked on his happiness.  He had been pretty sure that Ianto loved him, but nothing ever beat hearing the words.  But not only that, Ianto had accepted Jack’s confession.  That meant more to Jack than he could ever tell him.

            “Before we have to talk about saving the world, make love to me,” Ianto pleaded between kisses.

            So Jack did.

Afterward, Ianto listened intently to what Jack had to say.  Then he jumped him after hearing what future-Jack had been through just to get Ianto back.

            And then, they saved the world... And more importantly, Ianto.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I made a playlist that I listened to while writing this. Check it out [here](http://8tracks.com/pripri1977/janto).


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